Monday, May 7, 2007

Essay: A Woman in Progress

I wrote this back in December, and I thought in honor of Christine Daniel's blog about her coming out (called Woman In Progress: Christine Daniel's on Life Changes Big & Small) I would repost it here. I have updated it a little to better reflect my feelings now.


A Woman in Progress (Version 2.0)

I am a woman in progress. I am not a finished product by any stretch of the imagination. I have so far that I have to travel, but I am greatful to be on the road of discovery than on the road of denial and fear.

I am a woman in progress. Sometimes I think about how far I have to go, of the people who would hurt because of me, either due to stupid mistakes I make, or insensitivity, or even because of who I am, and I just feel so sad. But if I make someone smile I can find a way out of those moments.

I am a woman in progress. The trek is discovering how to map the discontinuity between my body and my mind. I'm not complaining - the body I was given is part of me, as is the essence of my personality. They may not be in sync, but that is my special challenge in life. And to let the people who love me know that the essence of who I am is still me - I really haven't changed that much, except that I understand myself a little better, and I need to express it with the world. But to those who know I have changed quite a bit, and I understand and appreciate this.

I am a woman in progress. I don't know if I'll ever be a finished product, but I cannot stop this trip. I cannot help being who I am - I have no choice in this, so better to enjoy the journey, even if the destination is not clear. When I can be the female me and not worry about the rest of the world, even if only for a few minutes, then there is a feeling of contentment and peace that comes over me.

I am a woman in progress. I am amazed at the other people I have met on this trek - some of the most amazing people you would ever meet. Some are very strong, some not. Shome are very happy, some not. Some are rich, some poor, most in-between. All are on paths like me, and they are my sisters and brothers, and I am their sister. And I love you all.

I am a woman in progress, but I am also a creature of my past. My past includes much lonliness and fear, because I was ashamed of letting others know this side of me. I wish I could have been stronger earlier; perhaps I would have caused less pain in others as I would have caused less pain to myself.

I am a woman in progress.

I am me.