Transgender Day of Remembrance - 2007

So here it is, the Transgender Day of Remembrance. This is the day that we remember those transgendered individuals who have died because of anti-transgender violence and prejudice. Here is a link to one site that lists some of the deaths that have happened this year.

Here is a link to a more complete list of transgendered people who have died over the years.

One thing that I think is bittersweet is that this year there is a page dedicated to the Significant Others, Friends, Family Members, and Allies who have been injured or killed because of anti-transgender bias crimes. How we as a (supposedly) enlightened society can let this happen is just beyond me.

Please take a moment and remember these victims in some small way - a prayer, a moment of silence, however you deem it appropriate. And also keep in mind their families, friends, and other loved ones who go through every day of their lives missing these people.

Social Network Exhaustion

I've been using Yahoo 360 as my main social networking site these days, but Yahoo is going to eventually phase it out. My problem isn't that 360 is going away or moving to a new system. It's where to go. I've been watching where all my 360 friends are moving to, and I can't say that there is really one compelling place to go. Everybody is drifting off to different social networking destinations, like LiveJournal, HoverSpot, and others. The places that I'm currently at are:

* Facebook (but I'm not really active here)
* MySpace (but very out of date - haven't been there in a long, long time)
* Blogger (You're reading this here)
* U R Not Alone (but I'm not terribly active there)
* A few others not worth listing...


My concerns about places like these, especially MySpace, is the ownership of what we post. I want to own whatever I say. I'm afraid that any of these places will try to assert ownership of whatever I post on them. And the more of these social networks I join, the more time I have to spend just checking up on what's going on in them. Frankly, I'm suffering from social network exhaustion at this point.

I've been tempted to just put up my own web site, but how do I get people to visit it? What's great about social network sites is having people find you while they're looking for other things or people (and vice-versa). But - there's no doubt about who owns what code.

What's interesting to me is Google's Open Social initiative - having a bunch of API's that will allow these social networks to interoperate with each other. It's a nice idea, but I don't know if it's going to get enough social networks to join. (Orkut is Google's network, so it's part of OpenSocial, but apart from Brazil it's not really all that popular. MySpace is supposedly interested in joining this, too, but, again, I worry about them and copyright.). And isn't this a little of what Yahoo is proposing with their new Mash web site? Don't know, though, because Mash is an invitation-only beta.

So I'm still here in my Blogger blog and on 360 for a while. I might join LiveJournal, but only because that seems to be where most of my friends have gone. LiveJournal is so yesterday, though, and the interface is kind of awkward to use.

*Sigh* So hard to figure this out.

A brief tour of the non-inclusive ENDA for Transpeople

The front bumper.

The radiator.

The oil pan.

The front axle.

The drive shaft.

The muffler.

The rear axle.

The exhaust pipe.

The rear bumper.

Thanks to all the folks in Congress who threw people like me under the bus. I wouldn't have seen these all these things without them!

Please support HR 2015 (the inclusive ENDA) instead of HR 3865 (the non-inclusive ENDA). Let's throw no one under the bus!

An Open Letter to Barney Frank about ENDA

Dear Representative Barney Frank,

I've been following with great interest your moves on the Employment Non-Discrimination Act (ENDA). I have found some of your recent actions on this legislation distressing to me to say the least. While I am not in your congressional district (I am in the district of Representative John Hall of New York), since you are the leading proponent of this legislation I am directing this letter to you.

I am transgendered, and I am closeted. I am not including my real name in part because of the lack of protections that I have under the law. I am happily married, We have two wonderful children who both attend the same Ivy-league institution, and I am blessed with a job at a company that has stated publicly that it will not fire employees on the basis of being transgendered. Yet I still live day to day with the concern that people may discover my secret and use it against me. My wife knows and accepts that I am transgendered, but she also lives with this fear and how she might be perceived by others in the community.

When I heard that you had decided to propose a watered-down version of ENDA I was saddened by this. Imagine that you are like me - that you live a lifestyle based on who you are that differs from the societal norms, and that some people view as being a sin against God and humanity. Perhaps they might even want to physically hurt you because they disagree with who you are. Or people who you think are understanding think nothing of using descriptions of people like you as crude put-downs. Or...

Oh, wait. You do understand that.

So I ask you, Representative Frank - why do you think it is okay to turn your back on our plight? Why don't we deserve your support to protect our right to make a living? It is not as if we're asking you to solve all of the ills of society against transgendered people or to give us special rights. All we are asking is for the same level of respect that you are asking for gay, lesbian, and bisexual people.

Please, Representative Frank, do NOT support anything other than an all-inclusive ENDA. Please do everything in your power to keep a non-inclusive ENDA from reaching a vote. It's not just for us - it's for our families. Someday I hope to be able to leave the closet and be able to share who I am with the world, but without basic protections such as ENDA provides that day will be further off.

One little protection - the right to earn a living - that is all I am asking for your help with today.

Thank you for your time.

Sincerely,
Valentina Simmons

The One Year Anniversary, Part 2

This is a follow-up to my posting about the first anniversary of coming out to my wife (yes, coming out is a big deal to me - I think it's very important for those of us trans-people who are married to be honest and open to our wives or other significant others in our lives). The day was very hectic, but finally in the evening we got to "celebrate" it (I don't know if my wife would chose that term, but I couldn't think of a better word).

I gave my wife a card the evening of the first anniversary of my coming out to her. I had spent a lot of time picking out the right card, and she loved it. I just wanted her to know that I was happy to still be with her after all that we went through.

We discussed how we felt about our marriage. It started because I told her that the day I came out I was convinced that our marriage was over, that she would throw me out. I had given her the freedom to leave because I didn't want her to feel trapped. She has interpreted that as me wanting to get out of the marriage without making the decision. I didn't want her to leave, but I wanted to be fair to her. Thankfully she chose to stay, and I have since withdrawn that offer.

I feel that our marriage is a little stronger, because we have opened up so much in the past year. She said that she's learned that our marriage is not an unbreakable thing like she thought it was, but that it could fall apart for various reasons. We both feel that as long as we both want the marriage to work, and we both work at it, then it will probably survive. I think that's a realistic common ground to be at.

But there was one magical sign for me: when we went to bed, just before I shut off the lights, I noticed that she has put the card on top of her jewelery armoire. She only does that for cards that she really loves. I was very touched by that, and I let her know how I appreciated it.

Wow.

My 1-year coming out anniversary

Today is the first anniversary of coming out to my wife. I hadn't planned on coming out then - I was asked by my wife if I still thought about dressing, and that led me to make the big decision - but I am very glad that I did the right thing and answered her question truthfully. It hasn't been easy, but I have to admit that it's been a lot better than I thought. It led to a year of discovery, both about myself and my wife, and it turned out that my secrecy here was a big part of what kept us from really discovering each other more fully.

I was lucky. I had accepted myself when I came out, which I think is critical for there to be any chance of us staying together. If I hadn't accepted myself, I would probably have denied it and eventually come out later, only with yet another big lie to my name, and an even bigger blowup. I'm very lucky to have such a wonderful, understanding spouse who is trying to figure out what this is, where I am going with it, and what it means to her.

I still remember the morning - sitting on a park bench, her nervously asking me the question. I remember everything racing through my head trying to decide if I was going to stick to my plan or just be honest (I had a plan that involved me taking a year to figure things out and coming out after we empty-nested). That day (and several afterwards) I was so sure my marriage was over. But I also remember a few days later, coming home to an apology and a dress she bought for me. From such a little seed has come discussions on love, sex, orientation, honesty, lies of omission, and other things, with a range of emotions from fear and sadness to joy and happiness. Lots of tears, lots of laughter, lots of worried moments, but we found that love was a constant in our life.

I love my wife. We've been married over twenty-four years, and I look forward to waking up every morning next to her, and every moment we can have together. It doesn't matter how I am dressed, how I feel inside about myself, or anything else. I feel guilt only insofar as me being who I am causes her pain, but I am so happy to be free of the secrets and lies we both were keeping from each other. Yes, I discovered that she had secrets, too, and that she kept them from me for the same reasons I kept this from her - to not cause the other pain.

One thing I would like to mention is some of the wonderful people I've had a chance to talk with over the past year. Karen at FemmeFever was a big help to me before and after coming out. I cannot say enough wonderful things about her - she was a godsend to me! Between her and the support I got from the FemmeFever support group I was able to avoid some mistakes I might have made in my relationship. A big thank-you to everyone there!

Another couple of people I would love to thank are Helen Boyd and Betty Crow. Helen's books on her relationship with Betty are really must-reads, but they're only the start. Helen and Betty also run a really fantastic on-line community where trans-people and their significant others can discuss all the issues that are important to them (and it truly is a community). It's one of the few places that I've found spouses who are not only welcomed but also very active in communicating their feelings there. For many of us this is a very important dialog.

And one more thank-you to the numerous people who I have exchanged emails with or otherwise chatted with. Some have been infuriating, some have been hilarious, but most have been very patient and understanding with this clueless trans-person. And I've learned a lot from all your experiences, hints, tips, comments, and other things. Bless you all!

And let me take one more moment to thank all the significant others of transgendered people who decide to stay in their relationship - wives, girlfriends, boyfriends, whoever. This group is treated pretty bad by everyone. Family members and friends treat them as either stupid or enablers, out of control in their lives; often they bail on them rather. Many trans-people treat them as obstacles or road blocks to full understanding by their transgendered mate. The net result is that these SO's are treated like dirt. And all because they decided that they wanted the relationship to continue. I think there should be a "Trans-SO Appreciation Day" every year so that we remember how these people give us emotional and other support, so that we all could just thank them for the love they show us.

I think my biggest discovery about coming out is that it is actually the beginning of a process of discovery. I had assumed that I come out and after a period of unsettled times we get to a new status quo and move on. It has led us to a process where we are continually discovering new things about each other. I think we've now gotten to a point where were better able to listen to one another and not just talk past each other, or at least we do more listening than we did in the past. That's a good thing for us.

So here's to year one of my life after acceptance and coming out! I have been incredibly lucky none the less. And here's hoping the next year will be better.

Why I've been quiet.

I haven't posted in a few weeks because my wife and I are adjust to our new life as empty-nesters, with both kids in college now. This is a little unsettled time - but not necessarily for bad reasons!

One thing we've been thinking about - as a couple - is that we've spent so little of our time alone. It's easy when your younger and early in a relationship that you'll get time, but the truth is that it's as if we're picking up just as we left off, only with 20 years of change in us. Including some bad habits. You get so comfortable with people sometimes that you think you can say whatever you want and they'll understand. Well, that is definitely not true, and it's been a major source of friction over the years.

It's also unsettled because we're traveling. We spent a few days in Maine after dropping off the kids, and now we're going to go on a big vacation to Hawaii. We have been looking forward to doing something different once we empty-nested, since now we're not tied to the school schedule, and it's taken us a lot to make sure we could afford this, but somehow we're making that work. And after the past year - between my coming to acceptance of myself, coming out to my wife and all that this entailed, and issues with our son - well, we really need it.

Speaking about the trans issue: After an initial bout of fear from both of us we found a way to start talking, and we're doing what I call our "do-over" - not quite square one, but close - and we're trying to go slower. I'm noticing that the do-over is extending beyond the trans-issue, though, and into other aspects of our life together. What's amazing is that maturity has taken us to a place where we are slowly really opening up to each other, and we're finding that there's more that we like about each other than we realized. There are a LOT of differences we knew about but never really discussed the ramifications of (such as the fact that we were kids in different countries - me in America, her in Korea - and even simple things as vocal intonation are different because of the language differences). I don't think we'd be doing this if we hadn't gone through all the things we had - it's more than likely we would have broken apart. But "what-if" games like this are really pointless. What is important is that we are both making that effort to make things work.

Once we do get back from Hawaii, however, we will be getting into the most intensive time of our life with respect to trying to understand each other. There is going to be tears, but if the way we've been talking lately is any indication, I think there's going to be more understanding. I am scared more about how ineptly I might handle things more than anything these days, so going the slow road is the safest road to travel. And I will be spending a lot more time dressed.